By David Cundiff
Editor’s Note: David Cundiff means for this to not be about his personal story, but rather about how Christians can deal with addictions. Below are a few questions David answered about why he decided to write this.
Q. Why did you want to share this?
A. I wanted to start a conversation within our church about Christian alcoholics and addicts. I think it is hard for some Christians to understand how a Christian could actually be an addict, and therefore hard for them to help their brother and sister in Christ who bears this burden. So although I really didn’t want it to be a testimonial, it turned out to be the easiest vehicle to start the conversation.
Q. What is the thing that most Christians don't understand about a brother/sister who is struggling with an addiction and/or sin in their life?
A. I quote a Christian blogger who said, “We Christians are the most miserable addicts.” And it’s true. Not only do we struggle with our addictions, we know we are sinning, and our inability to stop reflects badly on Christ – or so we think. I was constantly thinking that my failure reflected Christ poorly – it didn’t – it reflected my walk poorly.
Q. What would you recommend that people do if they are struggling and/or need help?
A. First realize that you will never stop your addiction. As Christians, we think we can pray ourselves, or read the Bible to sobriety. They are an important component to recovery, but more important is that truly realizing your weakness and then consequently believing that your savior loves you, wants you to be free and is waiting for you to turn it over to Him.
Q. You said you will be writing more on this subject?
A. Yes. I wrote this for everybody, but specifically to Christian addicts and Christians dealing with them. Next, I would like to go into more depth about Christian addicts, including the recovery process, and what can make the process easier. After that I want to expand upon how Christians can help or hinder the healing of their Christian brother and sister.
The rest of David's story is below
On the very day I started college, I had my first drink of alcohol. Within three months I had already developed a drinking problem that I would carry around with me for 39 years. I was a Christian before that first drink, prayed for deliverance from my alcoholism almost daily for literally 35 years, was a member of solid New Testament Baptist churches for most of those years, was heavily involved in ministry, was sometimes very productive in ministry, was nominated to be a deacon in this church, and tried to the last moment to overcome my addiction through reading the Bible, fervent desire, and innumerable prayers to God, the creator of me and the universe.
Yet I continued to be a slave to alcohol, an addict who prayed every morning for deliverance that day, and prayed for peace and forgiveness every evening. I was a Christian, surrounded by other loving Christians, and all I knew was that I was miserable, and that God wasn’t delivering me from this prison I was dying in.
Heather Kopp writes a blog on Christians and addictions. A former alcoholic, she says, “We Christians make the most miserable of addicts.” I completely understand and agree with what she means. Alcoholism, I thought, was simply the sin of drunkenness repeated over and over again. So I aimed not to drink.
When I did, I begged God for forgiveness. And then I asked God to help me not do it again. But I always did. And the cycle of my over-drinking, repentance, trying harder, and over-drinking again became a pattern. This lead me to wonder if either I didn’t love God enough, or did God not love me enough to take this away.
If you have ever been at the point where you have asked yourself these questions, then you know the level of despair that one must be at. MS Kopp sums it up thus, “Thousands, if not millions, of us Christians have made the same mistake and been caught in the vicious cycle of addiction. Embarrassed by our lack of self-discipline, we pull up our spiritual bootstraps and try harder. We pray and repent until we’re blue in the face. When our efforts continue to fail us, we feel ever more guilty and ashamed. As new creations in Christ, we’re supposed to have been set free from the power of sin, right? So to admit that we have become addicted feels like a betrayal of Christ’s work on the cross. Or worse, living proof that it didn’t work.”
As a consequence, I spent my time trying to hide from the world my addiction. In a strange way, I felt that if people knew I was an alcoholic that it would reflect back on God’s reputation! My desire to maintain a good witness turned me into a sneak, a liar, and hypocrite. And this happens to a lot of Christian addicts and alcoholics. This is how once joyful Christians become jaded, miserable ones. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking that I am describing you.
I wanted to stop so badly, but I kept coming up short. I wanted to quit the lie I was living, and maybe have peace, but these thoughts would invariably flood my mind:
- No one will understand.
- Everyone will think you’re weak.
- Friends will never trust you again.
- Your wife will want a divorce.
- Your family will be ashamed of you.
And the worst one of all…
- If God truly loves me wouldn’t he have taken this away from me?
On April 28, 2015, I was at this point. I had done everything I could to stop this monster alcohol, and failed. I had great intentions, I loved my wife, I loved my church, I loved God. Truly I did, I was smart enough to know the destruction that alcohol was wrecking in my life, I knew where my drinking would one day lead me.
And it finally hit me like the detonation of a bomb in my soul’s core: I was never going to be able to quit. I was not capable, not now, nor ever, to quit drinking alcohol. I was too weak to quit, and forever would be!!!
This realization rocked me to my very core. Despair like I had never known flooded me. I lay on my bed with tears flowing out of my eyes, knowing that I was damned to a life of misery. I felt so much pain that I thought my heart would explode, and I would die right there that moment.
For about 5 minutes, I laid down paralyzed with shame, fear, and self-loathing. Then through this darkness it slowly became clear to me that indeed I did not have the strength, wisdom, or ability to stop, but this thought was actually the moment where my road to liberty started.
You see, I had taken pride in my intelligence, my kindness, my goodness, my ability to find solutions to my problems. I finally started to understand some important truths that I had said with my mouth and brain, but not with my heart. Foremost was that God did NOT want me to be shackled to alcohol, that He indeed loved me, that He wanted me to be joyful with this world and at peace, and he was able, and ready to lift this burden from me.
He had been waiting for me to do one thing: acknowledge to God that I could not overcome this by my own power. Victory could only come in my defeat. I was in over my head but God was over all things. When we tell God “I just can’t beat this thing God,” He must say, “Finally…now, maybe I can send my power to help them.”
Nowhere in the Bible does it indicate that you or I have the power to overcome anything in this world. However it does say this, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13 gives us the key to our success in overcoming everything we struggle with, including our addictions.
Almost as powerful to me was the converse to this: I could do NOTHING in my own strength.
Almost immediately, I started to feel a sense of relief. By admitting I couldn’t stop, I had to turn to God. I always believed he could heal me, but I also had believed even more that I could find the answer myself, that I could eventually overcome through my own skills and labors. Realizing that I couldn’t forced me to turn to God, but this time with no reservations or underlying feeling that one day I would solve this. From that point, I agreed to let God be God, and for me to stay out of His way.
April 28, 2018, was the three-year mark in this adventure of sobriety. To be honest, it has really been pretty easy. I have felt such joy and peace over this liberation that I have never even considered having a drink. Not through fear of relapsing, but rather because my life is so wonderful that I have no desire to add sin into it and prevent my happiness from continuing. I do pray daily to my Lord about my addiction, but I don’t say, please keep me from alcohol, but rather I say thanks for my liberty, and for being my strength. I know that as long as I continue to let God be on my throne and be the strength behind me, that my liberty will always be secured.